SmackDown – Abridged

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In which KOFI has a bird for JOE.

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

TOM: so bout Raw, Bob’s fine, Braun might have a ruptured spleen

BEAR: ha

well it’s KO’s show

KO: here’s Shane and Drew

here they in fact are

SHANE: intro sucked, Ham say the thing

HAM: BEST IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD

COREY: that’ll do pig

KO: hey Shane, Taker showed up at Raw, ya scared, how bout that

SHANE: very nah cause pretty great, imma win at Xtreme, match’s no holds barred

DREW: ooh can’t wait

KO: yall looked scared, musta been coincidence cause gong

SHANE: shut up and read what I said

KO: hey Shane, ya lost to Taker at Mania, how bout that

DREW: welp we’re done

suddenly DOLPH

KO: go away forever

DOLPH: shoulda been me tho, also you’re fat

KO: also ya suck, wanna take Kofi’s belt

SHANE: don’t care, y’all are fightin Heavies, winner fights in SDL tag belts match at Xtreme

KO: very nah, bye

meanwhile backstage

KAYLA: hey Planetchamps, bout that thing Shane just said, how bout that

BRYAN: really sucks, still gonna win

KAYLA: hey Xavier, bout that thing Shane just said, how bout that

XAVIER: really sucks, still gonna win

E: yep

now E’s fightin BRYAN

E: wanna grap

BRYAN: cool

E: and hippyswivel

BRYAN: less cool

E: and spankytime

BRYAN: UM

BEAR: YES UM

TOM: kinda like it

E: also I am very big

BRYAN: sighhhhhhhhh have all the offense

E: I will tolerate this

E kinda sorta face in perils til

E: suplexes for days

BRYAN: yes kicks tho

E: splash pin

BRYAN: nah, have a floor

ROWAN: additionally haveth thou a post

BRYAN: pin

E: k

meanwhile backstage

KAYLA: hey Truth, ya lost your-

TRUTH: nah

KAYLA: your-

TRUTH: very nah

KAYLA: title on RAW, how bout that

TRUTH: love goin on honeymoons, imma titlesnatch Swoggle’s belt later

well it’s BLISS’s show, NIKKI’s hostin

NIKKI: Bliss’s awesome, I’m Scottish so imma talk slow, here’s Bayley

BAYLEY: sup, Bliss kinda sucks

NIKKI: hey Bayley, why’d ya call Bliss a liar, how bout that

BAYLEY: she is tho

NIKKI: nah

BAYLEY: ya beat me, Bliss got a champshot, ya should be fightin me at Xtreme

NIKKI: kinda yep, also fight me

BAYLEY: cool

so they do til

BAYLEY: bayley to belly pin

NIKKI: k

here’s KOFI

KAYLA: and here’s Joe

here he in fact is

KAYLA: hey Joe-

JOE: leave

KAYLA: k

JOE: see I’m real generous, you act nice but you’re usin E and Xavier

KOFI: nah, did everythin by myself, you keep losin, tryna sneak, too big to

JOE: you’re still a hustler tho, made your kid wear your shirt

KOFI: nah you’re jealous, never gonna have a Mania moment

JOE: shake my hand, won’t beat ya up anymore

KOFI: weeeeeeeell

JOE: ya got five secs

KOFI: have a bird

BEAR: UM

FCC: YES UM

KOFI: trouble in paradise

meanwhile backstage

SARAH: hey Heavies, yall beltfightin at Xtreme if ya beat KO/Dolph, how bout that

TUCKER: can’t wait, we’re bros, KO and Dolph ain’t

OTIS: OOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEAH YEPPERS YEP UH HUH

meanwhile on the Twitter machine

BOB: glad Braun’s hurt, imma kill him later

here’s APOLLO fightin ANDRADE, standard match ensues til

VEGA: have a table

APOLLO: oh

ANDRADE: hammerlock ddt pin

APOLLO: k

meanwhile backstage

KO: hey Dolph, this sucks, can we be pros bout this tag fight

DOLPH: k but no hot dogs til after

KO: sighhhhhhhh

meanwhile also backstage

BLACK: last week someone knocked but wasn’t there, mystery dude should fight me at Xtreme

MANDY’s fightin EMBER now

EMBER: have general beatemups

MANDY: flippypin

EMBER: nah

MANDY: then heelybonks and corner and facekick pin

EMBER: still nah

MANDY: this ain’t workin is it

EMBER: not even close, eclipse pin

MANDY: k

meanwhile backstage

SARAH: hey Shelton, who’s gonna win at Xtreme

SHELTON: hehehehehehe

BEAR: k

now KOLPH’s fightin HEAVIES with PLANETCHAMPS and NEW DAY commentatin

BEAR: welp this is turnin into a brawl

DOLPH: cool imma grab Otis’s leg

OTIS: but I am very big

DOLPH: oh

XAVIER: what’d ya say Bryan

E: have all the beatemups

ROWAN: likewise unto you, knaves

BRYAN: what he said

BEAR: called it

REFS: k yall are gone, restartin

TUCKER: sounds good cause I am also very big

KO: I see that

DOLPH: have a floor, tag, pin

TUCKER: nah

KO: tag, splash pin

TUCKER: still nah

DOLPH: tag, here’s heelygraps

TUCKER still face in perils til

OTIS: tag

DOLPH: also tag

OTIS: get rekt

DOLPH: I am in fact rekt

OTIS: pin

DOLPH: nah, ddt

KO: tag

OTIS: have a floor

DOLPH: maybe don’t

OTIS: caterpillar

KO: superkick

OTIS: oh

KO: and another

DOLPH: ow

KO: aww

HEAVIES: compactor pin

KO: k, also stunner to Dolph

DOLPH: aww

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