Raw – Abridged

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In which this show may break BEAR.

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

BRAUN’s fightin BOB falls count anywhere style

BRAUN: I am very big

BOB: I am also very big

a large amount of beef ensues til

BRAUN: imma spear ya through the stage

BOB: k

PYRO: at last my moment

whole stage explodes, BRAUN

and

BOB

do

the

stretcher

job

for

a

real

long

time

BEAR: alrighty then

now VIKES are fightin NEW DAY cause wild card

ERIK: I am very big, have beef

E: I am also very big, moar beef

BEAR: sensin a theme here

IVAR: tag, I am also also very big, even moar beef

ERIK: slammin your beef with muh beef into that beef

IVAR: BEEEEEEEEEF

a large amount of beef again ensues til

JOE: surprise Xavier, I am also also also very big, moar beef

KOFI: oh no ya don’t, have non-beef offense

JOE: huh that worked

six man tag time

KOFI: zoomytime

IVAR: ow

XAVIER: tag, also zooms

JOE: imma distract ya

XAVIER: I am in fact distracted

IVAR: matspike

JOE: tag, do ya peril thing

XAVIER: fine

he does til

KOFI: tag, imma zoom again

IVAR: yes but imma catch ya

KOFI: don’t matter, punchybonks

ERIK: tag

KOFI: don’t matter, boom drop

JOE: imma distract ya

KOFI: I am in fact distracted

JOE: boy I’m good at that

unabridgeable chaos ensues til

JOE: coquina clutch

KOFI: k imma sleep

meanwhile backstage

DRAKE: look wife it’s Raw

WIFE: wanna honeymoon tho

DRAKE: but muh belt

WIFE: pick me or the belt

DRAKE: course you

WIFE: yay

TRUTH: don’t mind me

DRAKE: grrrrrrrr

meanwhile also backstage

CLUB: sup AJ

AJ: yall lost to Vikes

KARL: you bout lost to Ricochet tho

LUKE: Karl’s bettin ya can win the US belt

KARL: bettin my wife

LUKE: wait really

AJ: k welp imma win the US belt

LUKE: aww

suddenly JOSE

JOSE: imma conga

TRUTH: imma help

DRAKE: imma watch

TRUTH: imma lay, pin me

DRAKE: wanna

WIFE: better not

DRAKE: aww

CESARO: guess I’m the only adult here

CESARO kills JOSE

meanwhile backstage

CHARLY: hey Profits, you’re debutin on Raw, how bout that

MONTEZ: got NXT belts, we want the smoke

ANGELO: yep

SARAH: hey Miz, Elias and Shane beat ya up, how bout that

MIZ: imma beat Elias tonite, Taker might help with Shane

VINCE: so keep watchin Raw

BEAR: we get it

here’s a heel dad with money and also Drew

SHANE: Rome say the thing

ROME: BEST IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD

SHANE: bout beat Roman for good last week, Roman asked Taker to help

DREW: scarier than Taker, wanna fight him tonite

suddenly ring lightning, GONG

TAKER: Hello, morons.

SHANE, DREW: run awayyy

TAKER: Soon I will destroy you and take your souls. You will burn for eternity.

SHANE, DREW: oh

meanwhile backstage

BARON: The Man’s just Seth’s latest fling

LACEY: dude’s got wanderin eyes

now LACEY’s fightin NATTIE, standard match ensues til

BARON: imma trip Nattie

NATTIE: dang it

LACEY: women’s right pin

NATTIE: k

CHARLY: hey Ricochet, lost to AJ last week, how bout that

RICOCHET: AJ’s real good, imma maybe beat him later

CLUB: nah tho

RICOCHET: yep tho

CLUB: somebody’ll beat ya up later

RICOCHET: k

CLUB: hey AJ, Ricochet said he could beat ya easy, tell him ya wanna take his belt

AJ: hey Ricochet, wanna take your belt

RICOCHET: k

AJ: faceslap

RICOCHET: k, also faceslap

AJ: k

MIZ’s fightin ELIAS 2 outta 3 style

MIZ: not waitin, general beatemups

ELIAS: ow

MIZ: skull crushin finale pin

ELIAS: k

REF: 1 for Miz

ELIAS: rollypin

MIZ: nah

ELIAS: drift away pin

MIZ: k

REF: all tied up

ELIAS: powerbomb pin

MIZ: nah

ELIAS: have a corner and facepunches and elbows

MIZ: plz stop

ELIAS: and chokes

MIZ: imma get outta it, slideypin

ELIAS: nah

MIZ: ooh a post, imma stand near it

ELIAS: running knee

MIZ: dodge

ELIAS: very ow

PICCOLO: well would ya look at that

GOHAN: I see it

MIZ: figure four

ELIAS: tap

meanwhile backstage

CHARLY: hey The Man and Seth, yall fightin Baron/Lacey for your belts, how bout that

SETH: yep, great choice

THE MAN: riiiiiiiiiight

SETH: welp lemme think bout it aaaaaaand oh no

THE MAN: tolja

SETH: imma still win tho

MARIA: yall suck, I gave birth once, let’s see ya make that happen

SETH: UM

BEAR: YES UM

MIKE: also hi

MARIA: wanna fight

SETH, THE MAN: oh yes plz

so SETHMAN’s fightin KANELLISES mixed tag style

SETH: here’s back kicks

MIKE: facepunch and a corner

SETH: hahahahahahaha facekick

BECKY: tag

MARIA: um no thanks, Mike sucks

THE MAN: don’t care, facepunch time

MARIA: preggers tho

THE MAN: k no facepunch

MIKE: how tho

THE MAN: disarmhim

MIKE: tap

MARIA: only man here’s The Man, next time imma ask her to be my baby daddy

BEAR: this show might break me

CHARLY: hey Paul

PAUL: Bork might be here

PROFITS: sup Paul, loud noises

PAUL: bye

PROFITS: also bye

well it’s BLISS’s show

BLISS: guest’s Nikki

it in fact is

BLISS: hey Nikki, nice job winnin me a title shot, how bout that

NIKKI: yep but you’re awesome

BLISS: daww

suddenly MELLA

MELLA: Nikki won the match, why is Bliss here

BLISS: go away Truth’s sidekick

MELLA: nah fight me

BLISS: oh it is so on

MELLA: rollypin

BLISS: k

NIKKI fights MELLA, standard match ensues til

NIKKI: pin

MELLA: k

BLISS: yay I won

meanwhile backstage

WIFE: brb Drake

DRAKE: k wife

TRUTH: whew been runnin tons

DRAKE: have a suitcase, pin

TRUTH: k

DRAKE: leggo wife, gonna do it 24/7

BEAR: ah

now RICOCHET’s fightin AJ for the US belt

RICOCHET: rollypin

AJ: nah, have a corner

RICOCHET: k but flippypin

AJ: nah muh knees up

RICOCHET: ow but imma zoom

AJ: phenomenal forearm pin

RICOCHET: foot’s under rope so nah

REF: AJ wins

RICOCHET: UM

OTHER REF: YES UM

REF: guess we’re restartin

BEAR: wait we can just do that now

RICOCHET: cool imma flip off AJ

AJ: wut

RICOCHET: now moar flips

AJ: me too, phenomenal forearm to the floor, brainbuster pin

RICOCHET: nah

AJ: rack bomb pin

RICOCHET: also nah, flippytwistyrollypin

AJ: k, wanna handshake

RICOCHET: k

CLUB: very nah

AJ: k then heel turn time

CLUB: gonna help

RICOCHET: very ow

BEAR: very yawn

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